True To You

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There’s a moment, just before you fall into the oblivion of sleep, when life has slowed to a stop from its usual daily bustle. The moment when sleep evades you and the tiny voice you’ve been ignoring all day is a shout in the internal silence.

Life is complicated in many different ways but there are some things that are simple. For some reason, these are the very things that we tend to complicate, God knows for what reason.

Its not as twisted as we think.  Maybe it’s because its easier to move about, ignoring the existence of this tiny voice than to actually listen to what its saying.

In the dark, the questions haunt us: Am I being true to myself?
Who am I really lying to?
Is my heart at peace?

Not everyone understands what exactly my deal with inner peace is and I’ve been thought of as a fool on trying to gain it. But that’s just the thing; were I not at peace, I would have gone out of my way to have them think of me as anything but a fool.

Being true to myself is when that moment of silence at the end of the day comes and when I look at myself, what I am, what I’ve said and what I’ve done and I know that it was all in honesty, and above all else, would bring glory to God.

Are you living a lie? Don’t you get tired of it?
      

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A Perfect Pair

I have small feet, size 4, according to the Kenyan accreditation. They stopped growing when I was around 12. Someone once asked me if I had a problem with balance *cue tumbleweed* They aren’t that small.

My toe nails are painted coral which has a tint of gold captured perfectly by the

light.The big toe on my left foot is scraped at the tip because when I’m home, I tend to watch TV belly to floor and it gets worn by constant contact.

I have a prominent arc, which I used to think would lead me toward the life of a ballerina. Sometimes, I arc my feet in the air and pretend to do some elaborate move.

I favour open shoes but my heel bares the dark scar of my attempt to venture into closed shoes.

If I look closely enough, I will see the faint scar on my left foot,  the only reminder of the time I was 3 and accidentally overturned a pot of boiling dog food on myself.

On the heel of my right foot is a memoir for the one and only time I visited the emergency room after landing on a whole glass after jumping off the double decker.

My feet have a story.My story. I alone know how it is to have my feet. I know the pain of constantly hitting my toes on uneven sidewalks. Or the pinch of heels that are beautiful but cut off proper circulation ( death by beauty). I love my feet. But there are those moments when I find what I think is the perfect pair of shoes and I’m already pairing it up with the dress hanging in my closet before I even fit them for size. Then it turns out that they don’t fit and in my head, I start hatching a plot to make them fit. But at the end of the day, I have to let them go and go look for my own perfect pair.

The Words I Would Say

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My Dearest Amelia,

You’re reading this so you’re  sixteen today. (If this is not your sixteenth birthday, tell Aunt Jessica that I’m going to kill her when I see her). Happy Birthday, darling! You’re father can be a little clueless as to the workings of a female mind but with Aunt Jessie, they ought to have scrapped up a decent party.

Laying here on this bed, it’s difficult to accept that I never get to see you grow up. The doctors say I have about 24 hours. They said that there were complications with the birth and there’s nothing they can do. They told me not to get pregnant in the first place but that was never an option. ( your stubborn streak? You get that from me). It drove your father crazy! But it was something I had to do. A few hours is all I get, but given the chance, I wouldn’t change a thing.

You are such a beautiful baby. Loud, but beautiful. It pains me that I will never get to help you with your homework, or even help you throught your first heartbreak.

Believe me, heartache will come, no doubt about it, but even when it hurts so much that, remember to smile through it. It won’t be the end. There’s a wonderful guy out there who you are perfect for. You can’t change a person to be what you want them to be, but love them for who they are. You’re dad was just that for me. Do me a favour? Go easy on him. ( you know what I mean). He’s trying the best he can.

Promise me you’ll be happy. Live a full life. Never be afraid to take chances. It doesn’t matter what you do, just do it with all you’ve got. Trust in God through it all. Even when it seems that all is lost, he always has a trump card to change the game. You’re my trump card.

Forgive me for not being there. I love you, baby. Now, forever and always. In this letter is a locket. My mother gave me that locket when I was sixteen. She told me that locked inside was all the love I could ever need. If you open it, you’ll see us, you and me, today.The happiest girls this phase of the moon. God’s got an eye out for you, kid, as do I. I’m sorry for the smudges but I tried not to get all emotional. I really did! ( so much for that).

Love,
Mum.  

This too shall pass

We have often heard that life’s only constant is change. With every breath we take, new cells are created in our bodies. With every new day, we grow physically, spiritually as well as in regard to interpersonal relationships.
We may try to hold on to life as it is or even life as it should be, but this only aggravates the process of change. Either way, it’s going to happen.

Being the wretched humans we are, we tend to grow attached to certain situations, people, basically the life we live and come to take it for granted. There may come a  time that we buy into the lie that all is secure.

All is secure in Christ. There is a huge difference between the lie and fact. When all is secure in Christ, we know that no matter what happens or what does not happen, Christ is in control. We trust in God to take care of us completely. We entrust our lives to him and depend on Him. All will be well. Live by faith and not by sight.

I was thinking about it and I realised that with all the changes we go through, we say goodbye to people and futures we thought would come to be. It’s never easy to let them go and so, we mourn them. But as we say goodbye, the dark clouds seem to pass away and the sun comes out. “Hello,” we say to a whole new tomorrow and we can smile again.

  

Her Great Inquiry

She hugged her knees to herself.

She rocked to and fro letting the tears trail down her visage.

 She shivered in the darkness and hugged her knees closer, almost painfully. That is what she knew, what she had always known;the clean slice of pain.

Had she ever really been happy? What she had termed as happiness had caused her nothing more than emptiness. She had thought she would find fullfillment among friends, a successful career.. it wasn’t enough. She thought she would find it at the tip of a hypodermic needle, at the bottom of a tinted bottle, the last draw of a cigarrette. And indeed she thought she found it. But once she exhaled, it all disappearred, leaving her worse than she had been, a deer in the headlights.

As she thought about it, she  felt the fear distinctly . The speeding heart, sweating palms, the vice that gripped her chest , making it all the more difficult to take the next breath. She would think “This is it! This is the end!” and she would crouch down in fear, her hands over her ears as the revving engine would draw closer, shutting her eyes and waiting for the fatal impact…but it never came.

Time and time again, she got down, knowing that she would die, but didn’t. Each time, her life flashed before her eyes. What had she been doing her whole life?!?! “Vanity!”, she thought. She had nothing. No one. Except herself. But what could she do with that? She was broken. Incomplete.

She had always been searching. She did not know what for. There had always seemed to be a gap in her life and something told her that if she just got that slot filled, she would be happy. Truly, truly happy.

“Love will do it,” she thought. ” If I could just find that one guy who understands me for me, I will be happy’.” She didn’t even realize that she, herself, didn’t like who she was, didn’t truly understand who she was, or ever could be. ” he would fix that.” And so the search began for the ‘Right Guy’.  There was never a better day than the day they met. How the birds sung their sweet melody. How her heart soared.  She was happy. Or was she?

He said she was beautiful.  She said, “If you say so.” But then, he stopped saying it…time proved the ultimate challenge and it all ended with the words ‘I am not happy.’

The gap seemed to grow, almost engulfing her. Her job gave her no satisfaction. So she quit. Again and again. And again. She was restless!

What would do it? She did not know but she was going to make sure she did. There were no bounds to her great inquiry. From the highest valley to the deepest sea…

Then she got here. With nothing to show for her life but a tattered past, a heart broken so many times, it could not be termed as whole. But one thing remained costant…she was still searching. Her heart longed to belong.

She couldn’t go on like this. Feeling lost, confused.. it was just too much.

Her sobbing had ceased, but emotions raged within. Her face seemed cast in stone, her back, ram-rod straight against the cold damp wall of the alley. She could not search anymore. She was too tired.

“Find me,” that was the first clear thought in her mind. The words seemed to cause everything to come to a still. She felt it; that important moment when your life would change forever.

“Find me and make me yours.” Who was she talking to? Was she crazy? But something told her that whoever she was talking to, was listening.

A peace settled in her soul. “I can’t do this anymore. I surrender.” She had never used those words in her life but somehow, they seemed so right.

Joy erupted in her soul and she felt the prick of tears in her eyes. This time she wept at the great relief she felt. With every tear dispelled, she felt lighter. Free. She smiled through the tears. She finally belonged.

Turmoil

“Monday Blues,  

Tuesday mellows into Wednesday , proves

 to be the green of the meadows, then Thursday looms

to bring hope to the fellows for Friday soothes 

to the promise of tomorrow but Saturday rules ,

no more brow that is furrowed and in walks Sunday,

with it peace that can’t be borrowed but with it a dread that Tomorrow is Monday”

just something I thought up as I was in the shower

I am an emotional mess right now so anything I write should be considered to be ramblings.

More often than not, someone passes by the office with one sickness or the other, asking for some assistance in terms of cash. Quite heart-wrenching, I assure you.

To see a man who , at first sight doesn’t seem so old at first sight, shuffling through the door, barely able to carry his own weight as he battles against AIDS or as in today’s case, leprosy, is enough cause for me to stop. He speaks softly, having been humbled and brought down to his knees by life. Maybe in your case or mine, pride would never allow us to do anything of that nature. Be it in the simple borrowing of funds you can easily repay or that ka-ten bob because the rest of your cash is of larger denominations.

But  he has learnt that pride is a luxury he can never afford. All he knows is that, he is in no position to earn a living. He needs his medication. His wife is home taking care of a sick child, the other two kids in school, earning an education he can’t afford. In the evening, they eat what they can and go to bed wondering what kind of day tomorrow will be, thanking God for today, not believing that something went down their gullet, though their stomachs growl in protest. Everyday the battle to stay alive wages on.

I can curl myself in a plush couch and sob saying “Life is so unfair!” but what good will that do?

Call me naive, but I ensure that that person at least leaves the office with something in hand. They might be pretending,true. They might be plain lazy…but tell me this, can you look them straight in the eye, see the anguish that lies within them and say “I can not give you anything?”

If you can, I don’t know what planet you are from. In their eyes, I have seen a tale of rejection, pain, bitterness. Such that they don’t even expect anything good to happen to them. Let me be that something good that happens to them, that they may have reason to take one more step. That they may have hope that Someone is truly watching over them.