Into Your Arms

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If I were to see you now, I would run to you and ask you where you have been? Why haven’t you been answering my calls? Why has it felt that I’ve been having an endless monologue for days, yet I know very well you could hear me?

I would ask you what you think I should do, but I wouldn’t let you answer.  I would tell you what my options were and ask you which I should chose, but I wouldn’t let you answer. I would tell you that I’m confused and I need your help and why aren’t you saying anything?!   

Then for a second I would think and remember who you are and I would recognize my folly. You’re not a vending machine. It’s really not about me. I would fall to my face in shame and anguish at my repulsive nature and in wonder at Your awesome mercy.

For you would pick me up and call me forgiven, and call me ‘daughter’, none of which, I could ever deserve.

Forgive me, Lord, for I forget. Sometimes life gets so busy, I get so lost in the details that I don’t look to You. In the act of living, I forget for whom I’m living for.  I forget who You are.

Draw me close that I may not stray far from you in life, and in thought. Let your word never be far from my tongue .    

Amen

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Guest Writer: Vivian Nyambura

I’ve known Vi for a couple of years now. I honestly can’t remember how we became friends but it’s just one of those things that happen.
Back when my ‘creative space’ was a diary, she would squiggle ( let the records show that her squiggling looked better than mine did) her ‘response’ or ‘continuation’ to my ‘post’ . I found it in my heart to forgive her. Time after time. After time after time.

Anyway, I invited her to be my first guest blogger and without further verbosity….

John 18:37-38
…so the other night I was reading the
Bible… What me reading the Bible!!?
Yes, Catholics are notorious for laxity in individual Bible reading…as much as some of us may do the structured readings…(structured readings: bible
verses from old testament, new
testament and psalm assigned to each day. Depending on the time of year there could be no old testament reading, but instead one from the writings of the early Christians, basically anything after the Gospel..ESP Acts and
the Epistles) No, excuses people…Read
your Bible and pray everyday, if you
want to grow! (Sunday school 101….for those of us who actually stayed in class and didn’t run away to look see what people are doing in Big church)

…so I was reading through the period
when Jesus was presented to Pilate and
made a few footnotes I’d like to share.
*let’s all get our Bibles’ out…chapter 18…we’ll start from verse 28…* The scene starts early in the morning…if we kumbuka…Jesus was arrested usiku
while praying…now the priests brought Jesus to the palace but did not want to get in for fear of making themselves
unclean before the Passover…

Footnote one: ROUTINE
If you’ve ever gotten so used to routine you do it on auto pilot and eventually get bored with it. The same thing over and over. It’s like eating mbosho everyday mpaka you can no longer stand the sight or scent of it without
throwing up. Some of these routines we imposed on ourselves…others are built on tradition.
During a sermon a
priest asked, “____why bother with
traditions you don’t believe in?” his point was not that we give up those traditions all together but to reexamine our reasons for doing them. In this way we know which to keep and which to get rid of. When we remember why we do things and what
they stand for, we become renewed. The routined life seems like something new. When we find ourselves in that dull moment in our faith, we become
like the priests following a tradition of purification while in our hearts our souls are decaying in the filth of our morality and/or lack of faith. We need to reinvent ourselves. Find out where our heart is and how to get it moving
back on track.

…so Pilate asks them what fault Christ had committed and they don’t state outright but allude to the fact that he did something punishable by death.
Pilate knows that this is an internal matter and questions their unwillingness to try Him themselves.
This is when they state that they are not allowed to put anyone to death.

Footnote two: BY-STANDER

Have you ever been in those situations where you know you should speak up but you quietly pretend that nothing is wrong and console yourself that you probably couldn’t have done much?
SHAME ON ME! I am the
Chair of that camp. How do I get myself kicked out of the club? I SPEAK UP…the BY-STANDER dilemma is that if you speak up you’ll be rubbing people you
don’t want to mess with the wrong
way…but if you don’t you are part of the injustice. You are the one hurting that person. If you watch enough cop shows…then you know who an accessory is…(accessory is a person
who aided in the injustice
conducted)…if you want the injustice to end, you’ve got to do sometinng aboutit.
Martin Luther said, “In the end, we will remember not the words of their enemies but the silence of their friends”
…but be careful with your
words….don’t get into a verbal war.
Your aim is to stop the injustice not prove that you are an aggressive arguer (yes, it’s a word)!Also, do not wait for someone to come and get things done for you. Be the conductor of your life.
THIS THING IS GETTING LONG TO
SOMA…we take a break here for all non-readers like myself and resumelater!

We resume, Pilate is in this fix where he’s been given someone to kill and he doesn’t know why this man needs to die. So he
asks “are you king of the Jews?” Jesus replies with a question (my fam hates when I do that)whether Pilate wants to know AMA he heard it from people.Pilate goes all like he is not a Jew, the Jewish leaders are the ones who letad Him yet he doesn’t know what His guilty of! Jesus talks about His
kingdom being not earthly. So Pilate isconfident that he must be a king then.
Jesus then answers him that Pilate calls him a king yet He came here on earth only to speak about the TRUTH…whoever belongs to this truth listens to Him!
And now we get to the reason of this 1000-paged blogost. “And what is truth?”

Footnote last: TRUTH HURTS

What is the truth about you? The
spiritual you, that is? Where do you stand in your faith? What Is keeping you from being fully committed to God?
What are you going to do about it?
These are really hard questions, huh?(they were hard for me at least) the truth HURTS. No one likes to hear it! We want to hear that God will give us big
bucks, and it will be raining milk and honey ( I’ve never gotten the buzz about milk and honey)! We don’t want to imagine that our whole lives could be baptism by fire. That we should embrace suffering. I won’t lie, teachings
tend to be harsh and seemingly gloomy when you don’t get them. No one wants to hear that you won’t get to heaven because of ABC…but we NEED to hear it. Once we know the truth, we
know the way forward!
The cool part is that we are not alone in this (God throws in amazing people in your lives to help transform you and answer your billions of questions…) We
take a stand. Are we for life in Christ or not?(not may be seemingly easier..but
its really the suckiest life) We just needto trust God that it won’t be an empty lonely battle. He will be there until the end (with all His love, mercy, patience..everything you’ll need) cz that’s how He
rolls!

Vivian Nyambura

Words of Life

I could write a beautiful story
I could write a moving poem,
I could give you my life story,
Lay my life out on a blank page, but it will be nothing but scum.
Useless.

I could give you a reason to follow my writing,
I could give you what you want to read, but it wont be what you truly need.

I could give you fairy-tales ,
I could give you bone-chilling thrillers.,
I could give you down to earth drama,
I could give you rib-cracking comedy and we could all go home and call it a day.

I could make you laugh, I could make you cry.
I could write to expose, I could write to hide.
I could write about you, I could write about me.

But I don’t want to.
It will fade away. All of it. Then my life’s mission will have been for nothing. My talent will have been hidden in the ground and when my Master returns, I shall give it back to Him, and He shall call me a foolish servant.

I could write about all the things that tickle my fancy. I could write about everything in the whole wide world, but if I don’t talk about God, it will all be vanity!

If I don’t tell you that someone loves you, in spite of all your faults, in spite of the fact that you scoff at His name, in spite of the fact that you refuse His calling and chose instead to live for yourselves, then to what purpose would my gift be?   

Being a Christian is not just going to church on Sunday, on Easter and on Christmas. Being a Christian is living life wholly and completely for God. It’s giving up your will for God’s will. It’s a sacrifice. But not an empty one.

The word ‘ Sacrifice’ comes with imagery of barbaric acts done by cults but all it means is giving up one thing for something else.

It’s not easy! And its not supposed to be easy. But one thing’s for sure; it’s worth it.

All I can ask you to do is to evaluate what exactly you live for. Yourself? For the high? To please someone? To be loved?
Its never going to be enough.
Only God can satisfy.
The choice is yours. 

Restless

Something’s wrong. Something’s ….different. I search for it in the mirror but I can’t seem to point it out. But those eyes… they hide a secret within their depth. I look deeper but they stare back blankly.

My skin feels foreign. Its not mine anymore. Its a suit I wear so that they think… I don’t know what they think. But I wear it all the same. They laugh with the suit and I feel pulled away from it all. I want to tell them, I start to tell them,but the words get stuck in my throat.
My heart? I don’t know what could be the matter with it, doctor. Its not right!! It does not beat as it used to. Its like it skipped a beat and proceeded off kilter. Its rhythm is distorted. Can you fix me, doctor? Can you make my heart beat right again?

Words fall from my lips in a jumble of incomprehensible jargon. I don’t know what I’m saying half the time. It doesn’t feel like me saying it! I don’t know what to do! The words boil within me looking, waiting for release, getting hotter still. But they don’t want to talk to me anymore. Its the suit they want.
Doctor, help me. I’m not me anymore.

  

IT’S A BLOGGAVERSARY!!!! :)

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Has it truly been a year since I started blogging?! When I started, I was sure I wouldn’t last more than 3 months, having run out of things to write about. It felt like I would enter a dark room and pour my heart out, not knowing that figures lurked in the shadows.

As the days have gone by, these ‘figures’ are the ones that have kept me going. With their kind words and keen eye in identifying typos, they have become my support system.

Writing, one may say, is simply an expression, but the last year has shown me the joy of being heard. My words are not hidden in a hardcover diary, for a select few but are before you, naked. Showing you, telling you…

There are those who’ve seen me since 12, clutching at my dreams of becoming a writer. Folks like AgwataKwamby, Vee, Olive, Mueni , Kenty, Sima2 and many others who knew the girl before the writer and who I plagued to read my warped handwriting.(Thank God for technology ).

Then there are those who have come to know the girl behind the words. These are the faithful readers who care to live a comment know and again. I appreciate you all. El316, Smartie , I appreciate you both for the retweets and support.

I have to say that my best moment this year is when my dad read my blog for the first time and realized I could actually write. This barely tops the feeling of seeing my Mom comment on a post. (I must say, God gave me the awesome parents).     

And of course, God, the giver of the gift that is life. There’s a beautiful song by needtobreathe called Garden which puts what I want to say perfectly:

“Let the songs I sing bring joy to you,
let the words I say confess my love,
let the notes I chose be Your favorite tune,
And Father, let my heart be after You.”

I am nothing without God.

Here’s to the year ahead.

**Cheers**

The Great Reward

We are all stuck in line. Every single one of us. We surround ourselves with what we think matters. We strive to achieve goals that we believe we are supposed to achieve. We fight, we cry, we forget the people rather than the transgression.
We struggle under the weight of hate and bitterness but all we do is shift it’s position on our backs so as to carry even more.
We run in circles until we get dizzy ; can’t tell which way is up anymore. We are lost. We don’t know where we are. We don’t know who we are.  We are a broken people ; we don’t work the way we’re supposed to. But we can’t be sent back to the Manufacturer, at least not yet. We have to wait in line .

Then someone right in front of you goes. Then you think about all the things you should have said while they were around. It hits you that you will never get to see them again. Ever. That you never got to say those three little words.

Imagine you were the next one in line. Imagine that moment, which seems to stretch out forever. At first, there’s a rush of thoughts, fear taking over every single cell on your body. Then it hits you how final this all seems, and in that moment, everything will go quiet. The first thought you have, won’t be about all the work left unfinished at the office. It won’t be about how Nani forget your birthday. It won’t be about how Mum and Dad are mad at you.

I would think, “Did I do enough? Did I love them enough? ” Did they know that I loved them?
It’s easy to see how irritating a person is when you think you have forever. It’s easy to take them for granted.  But what if now is all you had? A moment. One last chance. What would you do? What would you say?

What if every day we’d take a moment and realize that tomorrow is not a guarantee? What if we would say all that needed to be said? Do all we were supposed to be? What if we were the people we were meant to be?
What if we realized that every new day is a chance to experience a love beyond anything we could ever comprehend? What if we could purpose each day to spend it with God? Now that would be the definition of walking in sunshine …
What if we lived? What if, while on the line, while we wait, we would give every second to anticipate when your time would be up? Not with regret. Not with foreboding, but with the satisfaction that you lived life in abundance, not to satisfy a hollow pit of desires, but to something much higher. Something you will get to find out once your time is up. 

Truly Living

We live in a complicated world. One that is always on the move. Everyone is going somewhere, doing something, being someone … How much weight we put behind that one! Day in, day out, we try to define ourselves.
Someone’s always saying something. We get caught up in all the noise and complexities of emotions. And when we are not? We look upon others with envy because they have ‘a life’. We all want to be where something is happening. Otherwise, we’re just wasting away.
We forget about the simple things. Somehow, we miss life. We won’t be on Earth forever. As we grow, we find that after day, there is night, then there’s night and then there’s day. We take it for granted, wasting away the days on trifle matters, not knowing that we were meant to live for so much more. No one knows when we will take our last breath nor what we’ll see the moment our hearts stop beating.
I’m mumbling, I know, but I’m hoping you hear what I’m saying.
The simple things; they are what change the world because they change people.
When there’s madness all around, just stop.
Take in a nice cool, crisp gasp of fresh air. Feel it’s cool trail down as fills it in your lungs.
Curl your toes in the coarse white beach sand.
Watch the raindrops as they hit the pavement and burst into a million pieces. Listen to it’s steady pounding on the roof and pavement and let it lull you to sweet slumber.
Wear your best dress to the supermarket ‘just because’.
Smell the newly blossomed flowers.
Smile genuinely to anyone who gives you service. From whomever bagged your groceries to your conductor.
But most importantly, at the end of the day, the walls we build around ourselves must come down.  Bare, vulnerable, holding nothing back, we should go to God. Giving Him all we’ve got. 
Surrendering our lives to Him. Because that is when true life will begin.