Couch Potato Series: Tujuane

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Tujuane.
You either love the show or hate it. I’m sure everyone has their own thoughts, which they readily share anytime the show is brought up, but here are my two cents.

For those whose humble abode is carved out of the side of a mountain, tujuane is a Kenyan dating show which follows guys through their first date.

I watch tujuane for a number of reasons. One, it offers a glance at the structure of society. The divide between the hustler and the Barbie, the shao and the urbanite, wannabes and those who’re comfortable being themselves.    
Aaand.. the comments tweeps have on twitter are a blast. You’re better off ‘reading’ tujuane on twitter than watching it.

I’ve watched pretty much every episode of the show but I haven’t seen a ‘good’ date yet.
I get that drama gets more views but camuuun!!!! We’ve seen almost 50 dates and well, its been disheartening.
Here’s a thought to the producers; why don’t you give us at least one good date??

A date where both people can speak decent English, not the nail-on-chalkboard jargon that has us grammarnazis, writhing in pain. That’s not too much to ask, is it?

Get guys with wit! We need some interesting conversation!! I’m not saying write a script, just get people who are intelligent and have a sense of humor . That’s good television, if I ever heard of any.

I agree with everyone who’s been calling out for older guys on the show, as opposed to the 20 year old young’ns. Sure, its fun to see them fumbling around, but with time, it gets sad and depressing then downright irritating.  I’m pretty sure we’re at the latter stage.
Sincerely,
Couch potato.           

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Msichana wa Nairobi: the Chronicles

Today was a great day. I rarely  say this because somewhere in my twisted mind, I feel like I’m daring fate. If anything terrible was to happen it would probably happen now……… nope. Nothing *Thank you, God*….. still here :). #phew.

Back to compounding the awesomeness of the day, great things didn’t happen today but I would say the beauty was all in the details. The morning brought with it’s (now)usual weather mood swings but after the other day I think we all learnt our lesson ( when the clouds looked so ominous that everyone left home ready for the mother of all rainy days, only for a scorching hot afternoon) ( no one was laughing, fate. It wasn’t funny… ok, maybe a little ).
Got to school in time, had a productive group meeting. Is it me or does group work sometimes feel like a game with  the twist being that 90% of the task is actually working as a group and not the assignment? Anyhu, did the impossible .

At a point I found myself trying out the cool moves of ‘Wakwitu’,  in the best Faiba ( and in my opinion, Kenyan ) advertisement.  ( Pwani life and Daima,  take notes! Stop giving us mini-heartattacks in traffic with your billboards ). It’s so cool that he sounds authentically kao when he says, ‘ai, mboss wee’! #ilaugh

Going back home, there was a monster jam so I decided to ‘rest my eyes’. Next thing I know the lady beside me says ‘Someone has died up ahead’.
Somehow that slapped the last inkling of sleep from my person. I don’t know why I looked. But I did. I’m kind of a daredevil when it comes to crossing the road ( not really). More like a ‘nigonge uone ‘  confidence .

My first instinct was to completely ignore the scene but deep down I needed to see it so that it could register in my head how serious it all is.    

You know how they sometimes liken the human head to a watermelon? Its true. That’s all I’ll say.

Chivalry ain’t dead
A person I later on learnt was my neighbour helped me carry 10l of water up the stairs. And who said chivalry was dead?! Oh wait! I did…point taken, I guess. Its interesting how in this age we’re not very neighbourly with our neighbours, isn’t it?

Lastly, ( I know, I know, its really long but stay with me a moment ) its that time of the year again; BAKE AWARDS!!! This will be the second awards since its inception last year, where you get to appreciate the best Kenyan bloggers. Last year I cheekily nominated myself ..and fell flat on my face :). (No worries, I was rolling on the floor laughing. 😉 ). Coming up against the greats such as the Bikozulu?? As in, what was I thinking?!? Get the joke now?

You’re the guys who’ve suffered through this post and many others like it so, what do you think? Should I do it? Or should I just end this post already and with it my hopes?    

That Stupid Song

It’s been a while since I’ve posted. Not that I was busy . In fact, the school year is over and I’m 20 minutes away from a bus ride home. I wasn’t suffering from writer’s block either. Well, not technically anyway.
You know that silence that seems to go on forever and you decide to comment on the beautiful embroidery on the cushion , although you’re not really trying to bring the conversation to life? Do you? Well,this is that. 

I boarded a mat from home to town at like 8.45 pm. I confess,  I am one of those people who rush home before the sun goes down and when it does, we bolt the doors,shut the windows and sit on on a wick rocking chair with a shotgun to keep the big bad wolf out. ( Now we all know I’ve been watching ‘Once upon a time’). I am a stay-at-homer.
Where was I? Oh yeah! Boarding matatu..
I get into the mat and it’s only one other guy in there. The first thought in my head?!
‘Please Lord, don’t let them be serial killers!! ‘ I end up looking out the window, making sure they are using the actual route to town throughout. Well they weren’t serial killers, thank God! But (and this is a pretty big but ) there was a hell of a lot of stink in their breathe. New worst place to be; between a smoker and a person who thinks Colgate is a computer company . Pure torture!     

I get to town and the conductor doesn’t even help me get my bag out of the space he’d stuck it in. I’m not one to curse, but at that moment I could see why people would. I got a nasty scrap as a result buy the bag was out. I didn’t even realize I was bleeding until I reached the bus stop. But before that, there’s still the story of the charismatic taxi driver! 😉

The original plan was to walk to the bus stop but by the time I crossed the road, I was looking for the closest taxi. So this guy spouts an amount I was not willing to pay and I fell into a character that every girl uses on a rainy day ; Damsel in distress.
As a girl in the 21st century, I’m more comfortable in the ‘i can do it myself ‘ than the ‘im so helpless, please help me’ and I was surprised at how well it worked when he agreed to my counter proposal with the words ,’for you, sure.’

I get to the bus terminal and I notice the horrible, horrible gash on my wrist ( did I mention I’m a recovering hypochondriac?? I may be exaggerating.) The first thought in my head then?? ‘I really hope I don’t get AIDS’. Although tetenus is more likely. Well, we wont know until I get to a hospital. Till then, we pray.

Here’s a thought line I had earlier as inspired by Bez’s Stupid Song. (It was kind of a mental tt);
#thatstupidsong that you don’t like but is pretty catchy
#thatstupidsong that pops into your head in an exam room when you’re really trying to concentrate
#thatstupidsong that reminds you of a person you’re getting over
#thatstupidsong that makes you so distracted, you don’t hear what your friend is saying    
#thatstupidsong that comes into your head when your in church

..and I’m out.
Oh! Who wants cute puppies?! They’re of a small breed and are very intelligent.

Anyone Know Where the ‘Pause’button is? ANYONE?!

Picture this; a deer in the headlights. Deer= me. Huge blaring truck= EXAMS. Its that millisecond when the deer (me) is frozen looking right into the lights thinking, “That’s a truck. Hmmm… I wonder if its the same one that killed Bambi’s uncle. That kid had bad luck…. wait,  its coming right at me!!!! ”

I’m really trying to inspire the fear that will have me poring over my books but for some reason, it ain’t happenin’.  So far, I’ve:-
(1)watched 3 hours of telly (2)spent about an hour trying to get the DVD player back on when it did it’s annoying blinking game
(3)played two games of spider solitaire (lost the first game, won the second )
(4) swept the house
(5)used the webcam as my mirror for about 20 minutes
(6)spent an aggregate of 20 minutes making snacks

Oh yea, I kinda read (not really). Did I mention spacing out and thinking of something to blog about?! That too!! And that exams are on Monday.
(I wonder if other guys are reading ? )

And when KPLC, in its infinite wisdom, deprives me of electricity, (probably thinking that getting rid of my distractions will do the trick), I blog!

To be honest, I feel like I’ve been stuck in the headlights for a while now ( disregard above equation ). It feels like everyone is doing SOMETHING. Everyone is going SOMEWHERE. Everyone is meeting SOMEONE. And then there’s little ‘ol me just going to law school. I sit in class and listen to people sound all smartical and think “wow!I want her/him to be my lawyer.” Then people rush out of class and I wonder,”where are you going? ” and I wish I had somewhere to rush to.

Everyone is being someone. They’re all aiming at Something.   
It’s like being in the CBD on a Friday evening at the end of the month; everyone is on the street, going in all the directions and you’re just trying to push your way through. But then there are these rude persona non grata who can’t seem to see you ( despite the fact that your not that short, and don’t be telling me that 5 ft tall is, cause I ain’t hearing none of that ) and keep running into you. Only now, they keep jostling you until you don’t know which side is which . No matter how much you put up a fight, you can’t seem to get away so you decide to just stand still. Only then do you realize you’re in the middle of a road and a truck is coming right at you.
What are you going to do?        

**oooh! Lights are back :)***

Valentine Fever *Not*

Its February.  So what’s on everyone’s mind?! VALENTINE’S DAY! From bashing it to psyching up for it, the blogosphere (not to mention the whole world) is abuzz.

Now you’re probably thinking I’m about to firmly assert my pro-vals or anti-vals position and then I’ll try to win you over with my sound judgment (we know it is) and perfectly constructed argument. Sorry to disappoint you, but that’s not what this post is about. After all, why say what’s already been said?
A pal of mine put it rather squarely in his own Valentine’s themed post here el316.WordPress.com .

Frankly, I don’t have an opinion on Valentine’s. It may be a marketing gimmick . It may be a day people placate their guilt for not showing their love to their significant others for the last 364 days. It may be a day to alienate all those who are not in a relationship. It may even be a day, set aside specifically for you to go all out, forget about life and it’s craziness and focus on each other. I don’t know.
A day is what you make it. You give it its meaning.

On a closely related subject, I watch the Wedding Show. Don’t  look at me like that! Yes, I’m an idealistic girl who dreams of lace, ruffles and flowers. Sue me! (And yet I am to a degree a feminist. Its allowed!).
Anyway , all kinds of couples are featured on the Wedding Show. Young and old, rich and poor, big and small …. from all walks of life! We watch the program for a number of reasons. (Yes, we. Sometimes with my sisters, sometimes with friends. Never alone.)

Sure, we ogle the flower arrangements and salivate over the cakes and we ooh and aah over the dress, but mostly, we diss! There’s always something to diss, no matter how awesome the wedding is. Not that we’re fully fledged haters! We give credit where credit is due, but where its not, we diss!
But the main thing, the main reason we set aside an hour each week to watch 2 couples walk down the aisle and dance mugithi in a circle are for some measly two minutes. Sometimes less.

“It all started when…”
The story. That’s it. Just the story. How they met, how it all began. That’s where the flavour of the Wedding Show is, in my opinion. People meet in all kinds of ways. For some, its the whole customer-supplier scenario or who saw who singing in the choir or, of course, the friend of a friend scene.

The point to the ramble? I’m getting to it!

“So why do you love him/her?”   
And they proceed to say things like it was her smile, her singing, she’s caring, she’s beautiful, he’s a good man, he’s loving, he’s God-fearing and of course he’s/ she’s my best-friend.
Pablo Neruda is a brilliant poet and I can’t say it any better,
I do not love you except because I love you.  
No one ever says that! Traits fade, people change, so when it happens do you fall out of love?
Love is not because of but in spite of. Its a decision.

Let’s Talk Telly

Let’s face it; television takes up a lion’s share of the average Kenyan’s time. Most of my time is spent with either series or movies except, of course, for when I need a break or that sad moment when there’s nothing to watch. That, practically makes me a professional! I have years of experience! ;). Ahem. You had better take into account what I say, being a pro and all…

1. Shree.
I tried to watch it! I really did!!  But that program is freaky! Even when channel surfing, I can’t miss the girl with saucer-wide eyes and flying hair having a weird monologue.  Plus, they are either in the sitting room or bedroom. We appreciate KTN for bringing some Indian flavour to the table but….(I never thought I’d say this) KBC did it better. They used to bring some two Indian shows. It was Kyunki Saas….bibahuthi (don’t know how it’s written but I still remember the theme song) and Kahani …gagaiti (still singing the theme song). Those were interesting!!

2. Phillipino Hour.
The number of Phillipino programs being aired throughout Kenya is simply ridiculous! Did the government decide that we don’t know enough about the phillipines? Or maybe the Ministry of Culture wanted to diversify the kind of names being given to the coming generation ? Or maybe, just maybe, it’s a conspiracy by the Divorce Lawyers Society? I must admit, it’s a good way to earn a pretty penny.
Soaps *gag* are not what they used to be. It’s either recycled storylines or a really twisted storyline that gives me a headache just thinking it through. (It turns out Jose’s father is not his real father then he finds out his Nemesis is his father, meaning that he slept with his sister..but wait!! His mother’s not his mother either!! She faked her pregnancy and stole her sister’s baby and all of a sudden, Jose’s father is a rich tycoon **dramatic gasp**)  *breathe* please pass the asprin.  

3. All Kenyan, all the time… or so you’d think!
Kenyan programs have come a long way from Vioja Mahakamani and Tausi …although I liked Tausi, even if I didn’t understand all the kiswahili.
There are shows that I haven’t really watched so I can’t comment on them. It might also be that I watched the show but nothing really registered about the show. An example would be Higher Learning . What is it about?!? I liked the concept but bringing it out has been the problem. I’ve watched it about two times.  I’ll give it a pass. Though not good, it doesn’t suck. And that’s saying something.
Why do people like Tahidi High? This is an honest question! I guess I’m not the targeted demographic because I just don’t get it. The music needs work, the sound….can someone say overacting?!
The same goes for Mother-in-law . *sigh*
All I think about while watching these shows is yelling ‘Cut! Enough kidding about people! Would you actually read the script this time? Thank you. Now, action!’
The writer in me yearns to rewrite those scripts. Seriously! Someone give me a test run! It couldn’t possibly be worse than what’s already showing.
Don’t think I forgot about Changing Times. This one is just special. It also has a lot of potential but the acting *cringe* we have a mix of Super Barbies with their accents, average Joes and a guy who will only speak on sheng/kiswahili. Dear script writer, DECIDE! It’s like mixing the Bold and the Beautiful with My wife and kids and Being Erica (kinda). It’s just confusing.
So do I have something positive to say about Kenyan TV? Just two words; Briefcase Inc. Sure, I have my quelms about it but it makes me smile. ( how do you look for a name for the company for over a month? Mr. Scriptwriters, keep the story moving ). Still, it’s well written.

I must be a directing consultant one of these fine days!! It’s my destiny ;). Or else these programs will keep on irking me! This way, I might enjoy a day of quality Kenyan television someday in future.
    

A Friend In-screen

 

I have had a long and treasured relationship with television which all began when my parents discovered it to be the best baby sitter. Thus, as other kids went outside to play, I travelled the world, learnt new languages (kinda) and gained perspective. ..all from the comfort of my tush(and the couch of course).

So when time came for me to go to school, i was more than a little out-of-place. As you can expect, Kiswahili was bumped down to 2nd place and English became my first language( my scores aaalll the way to high school clearly attest to the fact that kiswahili is a foreign langauge to me  ;))

I was about 9 when i wrote an essay that I was really excited about. I was sure i was going to ace it kabisa!!! It was in those days of La Usurpadora(or something like that)#donthate#…..those days when soaps were soaps!!! I don’t even know what to call some of these things they are bringing onscreen!! Soaps za siku hizi, either plot ni predictable or just simply ridiculous!! Kama character amekuf, amekuf! And kwani Philippines is how big hadi you don’t jua your own kid hadi the priest is about to say “i now pronounce you man and wife?!”

….anyway, La Usurpadora(or something like that). 9-year-old-me creates this awesome story and titles it “The Usurper” (Lightening flash). boy, oh boy, oh boy………………i got less than half of the total score!!!!!! My teacher didn’t even know the spelling of the word usurper?!?!? (i looked it up, trust me) But i let that slide. that’s when i discovered how to transfer imagination to paper .