My Unspoken

This post is not about a traumatic life experience, nor is it about the television show. This post is about a boy. Yes, I hear your collective groan, but I can’t promise you haven’t heard this story before. I’m sure you’re all posed to go agony Aunt on me but just read the whole thing before you go sharing your wisened snippets, will ya?

Its hard to write about a person you don’t know, leave alone actually talking about it. Every time I’ve tried, I’ve ended up sounding like a nut job, so I’ve learnt to keep my nuts to myself.

Why am I writing about it now, you wonder? Because, it’s over.  Which is ridiculous because it never even started, and yet, it has an ending.

He crept up on me. Like an advertisement jingle you find yourself humming along to. I didn’t notice him; I noticed that I noticed him. I found myself looking for him and was disappointed when he was nowhere in sight, tense when he was. 

We’ve spoken. Once. It was a disaster. My heart was in my ears and I acted like such a tool.

I hear you saying it’s just a dumb crush but its not. What it is a ‘hmm‘ kinda thing.

A crush is usually a hubber-hubber, wolf howl, eyebrow-wiggle, raunchy whistle, helloooow handsome kind of a deal, which this is- was- not.   

It’s like when your foodie pal has told you about this amazing cake that they swear by the moon, is heaven on a fork. You highly doubt that’s the case, but you let them drag you to the celestial bakery for ‘heaven-on-a-fork’ cake. When you do take the first bite under their smug i-told-you-so gaze, you say, ‘hmm, this is actually pretty good. ‘
That hmmm.

The ‘hmm’ of possibility in reality and not just a fanciful affair. Well, as things stand, he has no clue I exist. And you know what? That’s okay. Sure, I’ll always think ‘maybe…’ but some things just have to be let go.
At least I know his kind exists.     

Before the Stardust Fades

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I have a picture of you in my head. A picture of who I think you are; of who you’re supposed to be. You haven’t said one wrong thing… yet. 
It’ll happen soon enough. You’re human, it will definitely happen. But I won’t be here when it does.

You see, right now you’re perfect. You’re whoever I want you to be,and that’s because I don’t know you.
You’re my blank canvas. I pick up my brush and I create this tale of you… I create you.
Only, you already exist. I can only create you in my mind.   

I use my stardust and with a light sprinkle, you become magical. A thing completely out of this world. You become the thing I most yearn for . Except that its not really you. It’s the stardust, and it fades. 

But there is a sun, and there is a moon. Darkness will fall and day will break, and it will be a new day. And after a few falls and breaks, my heart will find a way to beat again. Stardust shall be long forgot and the days shall move smoothly like a well-oiled machine.
But I’ll miss the magic. Until the day it’ll walk into my life on two feet. Then Stardust wont be just my imagination, cause it will be you. 

The Non-Relationship

You noticed him the first time you met. Cute. But it was never going to happen. That kind of guy… he just wouldn’t go for a girl like you. So when he came over to say hi, you tried not to picture the two of you walking down the aisle but it was hard not to, what with his eyes staring into your soul. 

He cracked a joke and made you laugh . You’d already named your second child. Diana, after your grandmother. You make a note to ask him what his grandmother’s name is. Or was.  Baby number three’s name,no doubt.
You exchange numbers and as you turn away, you wonder what kind of an existence you had before him.

In the days that follow, your phone is never far as you anticipate his next text. Goofy smiles and flirty texts, midnight calls and cryptic conversations with you girls. ‘The mystery guy’, they call him.

He becomes your world. You share intimate details of your lives. All the while, you wait. Wait for him to say something.

Does he feel the same? Well he must! Would he pay you so much attention if he didn’t?? He must, you tell yourself.  It’s just a matter of time, right?

If only you could just come out and tell him once and for all. But no, that’s not the way the fairy-tale’s supposed to go. So you wait, losing your sanity with everyday that goes by.     

The sweet thoughts that filled your head turn into poison.There’s the text he sent that definitely shows he’s interested, then he disappears for two weeks?? You roll his words in your mind ;dissecting them. What did he mean?

Then one day you’re walking through town, absently wondering what he might be doing, when he comes into your line of view. He smiles and your world lights up. You put all your doubts aside. Of course he’s into you. You revel in the feel of his arms . You swallow your disappointment when he pulls away. Then he introduces you to his girlfriend.

It takes all you’ve got to keep the smile on your face, but your body’s gone cold . Girlfriend? How?? But .. 
You hate her immediately.
Her gorgeous hair repulses you. Her exceptional fashion taste is disgusting. She’s exactly the kind of girl he’d go for. And he did.

What bites even more is how nice she is. In another world, you would have been great friends. But not in this one.

In that instant, your world is destroyed. You embark on the awkward journey that is getting over a relationship that you were never in .

So who’s fault is it? His? He should have said something, right?          

What about you? You didn’t exactly lay your cards on the table. Oh, a guy’s supposed to say it first?? Well, that’s a good reason to be miserable for a couple of months!

The non-relationship: looks like a duck, walks like one, but its no duck!
So stop chasing it.
Next time it passes by, just ask! The worst thing that could happen is that it quacks.

Frankenstein Heart

She’d gone into battle unarmed, unshielded. She was unprotected against his assault upon her. She banked his scent in her mind, a permanent reminder of what happiness smelled of. She spent hours staring into the depths of his eyes, memorising the crook of his smile, hanging onto every word that he said.

He became familiar. The feel of him, his very presence… she was so attuned to it, like the lyrics of a familiar song; she know every single word. He was … home.

She held nothing back. At the back of her mind, she wondered what would happen if somehow they didn’t work out.. but she brushed the thought aside as quickly as it came. There was no way that was going to happen. Only, there was.

She got the wind knocked out of her when he told her. He just, didn’t love her anymore, he said. Just. Like she would say, ‘is that the only reason? Well, thank God! I thought it was something else. Now that that’s cleared up, have a nice life’?
She’d built her life around him. When she thought of the future , she saw them. Together. Suddenly her future was blank.

The tears fell incessantly.  After she’d picked up the pieces of heart from the floor, it took weeks, months even, to fit them back together. She got her heart back, only that she had to sew up the gaps. It was never going to be the same.

The blood in her veins had run cold and the beat of her heart had changed . She’d moved on. She was whole. Different, but whole. She built an impermeable wall around her heart. On the outside, there wasn’t much difference. She was happy. Not the happiness that was based on someone else, but on herself.
Eventually, she met a nice guy. Sweet and every girl’s dream. Sardonically, she knew that the old ‘her’ would have fallen at ‘hello’ . But this new ‘her’ couldn’t .Frankenstein hearts don’t feel,after all .