Hindsight is 20/20

I’m frightened its real; I’m terrified its not. I’m torn between wanting and the knowledge of the possibility of such wanting. The good, the pain ..

It has never been like this and yet I wonder if ‘this’ can be real… it may just be my wishful thinking or two naive kids who are without a clue.
Then I think about how you.. and the way you said… oh, I don’t know!
It hurts to think but I can’t stop thinking about it.  I roll little morsels of memories in my brain, tasting each distinct flavor with my mind . I try to get the whole picture from a severed corner. A jigsaw puzzle that I keep on trying to figure out.

I don’t know what I feel. But maybe I do and I’m terrified of it. I don’t know what you feel. But maybe I do and I’m terrified of it.  
Clarity is what I seek and yet it’s so definite. Once I find it, it’ll either hurt and life continue as it aways has or, it will be the beginning of a whole new chapter of my life. I wrote to seek clarity but all I’ve gotten is even more confusion.

*****
I wrote this a while back and never got to post it. A lot has changed since then. Well, I got my clarity and my definite answer. This is page one of my new chapter 😉

Confusion and other Silly Emotions

Its like a leech; a blood-sucking leech attached to my brain, draining it of all sense. I guess it’s more accurate to call it a sense-sucking leech, isn’t it?

Argh! Its driving me crazy!! But the more I struggle, the deeper it sinks it’s fangs. ( does a leech have fangs?! Or is it hooks? What sense-sucking device does this lecherous beast have?! ….see what I mean?).

I sigh in defeat as I grow weak and faint. I thirst for a drop of sense. My lips, chapped, my tongue, a dry carpet.. what form of hell is this?

I fear I have lost it; my sanity. I don’t even remember what it looks like. If I remember, I will pin it up on the notice board. Please, if you have seen my sanity ( in whatever form she may be in) kindly tell her to come home. There’ll be a warm glass of milk and a fresh batch of cookies, let her know. I wont be mad. I promise.
 
Its agony. But can agony be beautiful? If it can, then I’m enthralled. Sometimes, (you know, when I breathe) I don’t hate the leech as much as I should. Sometimes, its kinda, you know, not a bother.
But it has to go,right? If only because leeches suck (teehee). And maybe because it’s killing me?