I can do without you.
My life neither begins nor ends with you. Even though when I’m not talking to you, I’m thinking about talking to you, and when I’m not with you, I’m longing for when I will be, I can do without you.
I can do without the dizzying joy that consumes my being everytime our eyes meet,
Or the tug in my heart, the escaped breath and the rush of blood from my head when you smile your criminal smile.
I can do without feeling so much that my senses are on override, forgetting what I was just saying because your eyes are fixed on me with such intent.
I can do without the highs your words take me to.
I can do without it. Really, I can!! I, can do without you, my drug, my inhibitor.
Life passes in a haze until my next dose of you and like an addict, I crave it. I crave you. ‘Just one hint of it is enough.’ But it never is.
I’m done lying. I’m done pretending!! This has to end. I have to accept the truth. This; you and me? Us? Whatever we are, it’s killing me. I can’t live hanging in the balance, waiting, always waiting for you.
I have to walk away. It hurts so much!!! But I have to.
I can do without you. I will do without you.
Even now, when all I feel is pain, and all I think of is you, I will do without you.
They went there on their first date. Their first date… well, that’s debatable. She had made it clear that a ‘date’ was the last thing it was and he had agreed with her,with a telling smile and a twinkle in his eye.
A cup of coffee between colleagues was all it was supposed to be. But it turned into 4 cups of joe, a slice of chocolate fudge and the best slice of black cherry cake either of them had ever eaten . Who they were to each other was somehow no longer set in stone.
It was the perfect day and a walk seemed like a plan. Conversation flowed seamlessly, a delicate, silky fabric . Words mingled with laughter. He pulled her out of the way of a rogue cyclist and after they both gave the retreating figure a piece of their mind, they proceeded, her nerves a little frazzled. Him? Not so much. The ordeal was easily forgotten with the feel of her hand encased in his. She squeezed his hand lightly. She didn’t mind. She didn’t mind at all.
Neither of them could remember, upon reflection , what they particularly talked about. It seemed like that there was nothing they didn’t talk about, nothing except the very moment. But every word that wasn’t uttered was expressed in the curve of her smile and the light hold of his hand on hers.
The sun shone a little brighter, the flowers, even more fragrant. Were the trees whispering in the wind? They swayed softly, gracefully, moving to a melody that they had been playing for centuries. A song that only now, was audible to the couple .
A song, not of the past, nor that of the future.
As they sat on a bench and a stray flower fell on her hair, he reached out to pick it out and their eyes met. Her cheeks flushed a shade deeper as their eyes met and held. It was unmistakable to both of them. It was the song that had been echoed through time. It was the song of the moment. The melody to just… ‘Be’. To relish the moment and somehow capture it all; what they were feeling, the caress of the soft wind, the sweet kiss of the sun, the perfection of the moment altogether. It felt like everything was right where it was supposed to be. It felt like home.
I stood helpless as I watched your eyes. I watched as their keen interest changed into confusion and then finally, to pain . You courteously accepted my bitter words, but that’s all it was; courtesy. For even without words, in the air I felt it; accusation.
I wished that there was another way other than hurting you.
Maybe if I could have made you forget that you had ever met me then you’re heart would not ache for what it had never known….if only I could.
What reason did I have not to feel as you did? I just … didn’t. The weight of your emotion stacked against the emptiness of my own was enough to poison your heart against me. Even though it hurt to lose the friend I had in you, I could do nought but understand. I could not reciprocate your emotion but it does not mean there was something wrong with you. We’re just… different.
Most people would have ignored that difference and tried to see where things would go but in the end, it wouldn’t pan out as hoped for. I didn’t want to hurt you anymore and trying to ignore the inevitable would be like lying to you. Like betraying you.
We’re on different paths now, probably different people as well. I could never erase what happened but if by any chance our paths happen to meet, I hope you’ll return my slight smile that the unfamiliar moment allows. If you do walk coldly by, I shall walk on with my chin in the air and swallow the tear that threatens to fall.
*Ding dong *
“Oh! Hi September!! How are you? Wow, I love that dress on you! Come on in. I’m sorry about the mess, I’ve been doing some cleaning. ”
” Some tea? Oh! You don’t take tea? How about some fresh squeezed lemonade? Ok, I’ll just be a second.”
“Here you go.”
” I don’t know why it feels like just yesterday that I saw you instead of a year ago. Anyway, I hope you’ve been well? ”
“How’ve I been doing? Well, I guess its been a good year.”
” I haven’t changed too much, if that’s what you’re afraid of. In fact, I feel a little more…me. When we last met, I had all these expectations with starting a whole new chapter in my life.”
“No, most of them weren’t met. But I wasn’t as disappointed as you would think I would be.”
“It was ..nothing like I expected it to be. Life became a whole new game with different rules and a complete change in cast. But I loved it. Not all the time, of course, but I loved it.”
“What did I love most,you ask? Well, I got to move in with my sister in Nairobi, which was a study in patience and maturity. Neither of us are dead yet so you could say we aced that test.”
” I started law school, which I was sure would be a drag but turned out to be not so bad. If I would have done what I thought was the perfect course, I may not have been challenged as I’ve been this last year, in a good way. ”
“What else? Let’s see … uhm, I got to make the most amazing friends. The first weeks in school are kinda rough because everyone doesn’t really know each other, except for that 1 or 2 people. So, people start conversations over the darnedest of things like cutting in line during registration ( I met so many people that day) or missing what the lecturer just said and whispering ‘ati amesema?’ to anyone within earshot or that girl who always comes late in her high-heeled glory and insists on taking the long, long walk to a seat at the front of the class or simply keeping in step with people who seem to be going in the same direction as you are. In the end, I couldn’t have asked for better folks”
” Sorry, September, no raving for me. I know that’s what everyone who’s my age seems to be doing but that’s not how this cookie crumbles. I did get to taste wine, though. It was hideous! Apparently, I’m allergic to red ”
“What? Love? Well… September, I cannot say there has been any development in that front although… let’s just say that everything comes at its time.”
“I’m not hiding anything, I promise.”
“If there is, you’ll be the first to know .. maybe second … probably third. But in the end, you’ll know!! I’m 19, I still have a way to go before I should start getting worried”
“20!! 19’s over, isn’t it? I can’t believe it. ”
How times flies by…