What a word! I smile a little just saying it.
My chin lifts slightly in homage. That’s a word to be respected. But, what, pray tell, is beauty?
All these images come to mind of things that have been said to embody the word.
I have a thing about hand written letters, which I’m sure I’ve mentioned some time on the blog. When I was about 16, I started writing a string of letters to … well, I don’t have a name yet so let’s call him F.S.O (future significant other). I poured my teenage heart into these letters and those days when I feel a little lost, I tear one open and read it. Today, I read #5.
I’m all about moments and high school was all about going through one particular moment, where I’d feel everything kind of slow down. It would feel like the voices all around would get drowned, submerged under water. I can feel my heart beat. I can feel myself breathing in and out. And then …I feel everything; an explosion of emotion. It takes over completely until its all I am aware of. Until I’m lost.
That’s when I would write. Sometimes I feel myself slipping back into it … but I’m not that girl anymore.
I have Chubby Girl Syndrome. This is an ugly story for me to tell because I have a number of scars from it. CGS reduces a person to a shell that is inadequate. Its a vulnerable state that allows other people but mostly, it allows a person to tear themselves down.
I allowed CGS to give me the meaning of beauty.
It told me beauty was skinny. It said that beauty is being light- skinned.
CGS said that beauty was a flawless skin, a perfect figure, a tiny waist, flabless arms, beauty was height, it’s legs that go on for miles..
CGS told me that beauty was not me. The sad thing is, I believed it.
We seek beauty everyday, so when I couldn’t find it in myself, I became half the person I could have been.
Reading the letter, I realize how far I have come and how much distance I have put between me and the girl in the letter. Recovering from CGS is something I do everyday. I do it each time I stand in the mirror and smile.
The meaning of beauty? Acceptance.