The Great Reward

We are all stuck in line. Every single one of us. We surround ourselves with what we think matters. We strive to achieve goals that we believe we are supposed to achieve. We fight, we cry, we forget the people rather than the transgression.
We struggle under the weight of hate and bitterness but all we do is shift it’s position on our backs so as to carry even more.
We run in circles until we get dizzy ; can’t tell which way is up anymore. We are lost. We don’t know where we are. We don’t know who we are.  We are a broken people ; we don’t work the way we’re supposed to. But we can’t be sent back to the Manufacturer, at least not yet. We have to wait in line .

Then someone right in front of you goes. Then you think about all the things you should have said while they were around. It hits you that you will never get to see them again. Ever. That you never got to say those three little words.

Imagine you were the next one in line. Imagine that moment, which seems to stretch out forever. At first, there’s a rush of thoughts, fear taking over every single cell on your body. Then it hits you how final this all seems, and in that moment, everything will go quiet. The first thought you have, won’t be about all the work left unfinished at the office. It won’t be about how Nani forget your birthday. It won’t be about how Mum and Dad are mad at you.

I would think, “Did I do enough? Did I love them enough? ” Did they know that I loved them?
It’s easy to see how irritating a person is when you think you have forever. It’s easy to take them for granted.  But what if now is all you had? A moment. One last chance. What would you do? What would you say?

What if every day we’d take a moment and realize that tomorrow is not a guarantee? What if we would say all that needed to be said? Do all we were supposed to be? What if we were the people we were meant to be?
What if we realized that every new day is a chance to experience a love beyond anything we could ever comprehend? What if we could purpose each day to spend it with God? Now that would be the definition of walking in sunshine …
What if we lived? What if, while on the line, while we wait, we would give every second to anticipate when your time would be up? Not with regret. Not with foreboding, but with the satisfaction that you lived life in abundance, not to satisfy a hollow pit of desires, but to something much higher. Something you will get to find out once your time is up. 


Kilio (A Cry of Anguish )

It’s a losing battle,
a struggle against the pull of the ocean,
It’s a scream that must be heard,
It’s frustration that must be expressed,
It’s a breath that can’t be drawn,
It’s the rain that falls unceasing,
It’s the incessant cry of an infant; loud, piercing and unending.
It’s the helplessness of a tree, swaying to the melody of the wind,
It’s a puzzle with a missing piece ,
It’s a song that must be sung, each note crooned to the heart’s content,
It’s these tears falling down my face,
It’s the cry that escapes my lips,
It’s the pain that tugs at my heart,
It’s the fight against emotion,
It’s the fight against giving in,
It’s a fight we face with shaky smiles and lying lips,
With hollow laughs and empty eyes,
With cold hearts and control,

But the music stops, the wind dies down,
The ocean regains calm, the noise dials down to a murmur …and all you hear is a heartbeat. Your heartbeat. Steady. Loud. Thump thump. Thump thump. Right then, in the silence, you stop fighting. Like a heavy cloud, it settles on your chest. A mass that won’t go away, a weight so unbearable, it gets harder to breath. You take that first breath and in that moment, you give in.

The ocean floods and the wind howls but you simply can’t hear it above the sound of your own cry. The sound of surrender. The sound of genuine emotion.

Is it just me?

Everyone has a different standing when it comes to this particular subject, and mine may well be one that is quite contrary to the norm. The truth is, it has literally been conditioned into it for the last 7 years! So, don’t blame me ; blame the system!

In primary school, even the hint of a lingering handshake would be treated as an abomination that could only be rectified by the swing of a cane! It was kind of a ritual that at the beginning of the term, all those suspected of ‘coupling’ (in our defense, we were kids so ‘coupling’ was our language …I don’t know what the teachers’ excuse was). Anyway hugging was completely out of the question. In fact, I remember the one and only time I hugged a boy *gasp* in primary school was 5 minutes before my first KCPE paper and I was too freaked out to give it a second thought.

Then came high school. An all-girls school, where hugging was actually punishable. Not forgetting that during those four years, **boys were stupid ** until I met those who were the right type of stupid and we really hit it off. I was in one of those schools where we had to uphold the name of the school and before I knew it, I was one of the people handing out punishments. I must say that carrying stripes was an interesting experience!

Anyway, back to the subject at hand ; the art of hugging. You had to have been there to fully understand the concept of the ‘all-girls’ school’. So began the ‘Sweetie’ era. Everyone ( and I do mean everyone ) was sweetie! And the hugging… it was incessant, but it grew on you and you became one of the clones. Smiley, Sweeti-calling, hugging clones.

Then all of a sudden, high school is over. (Dorothy, we are not in Kansas anymore )
You move from an existence of following rules to making your own.

The number of awkward/ embarrassing moments that I have had because of hugging are not few, but they are distinct enough for me to remember each and everyone of them.
There was the time;
1. I was so stunned, I literally froze on the spot!
2. My face dove into someone’s shirt.
3. I went all matrix ( remember Keannu Reeves & the bullet?)
4. I had that awkward conversation with someone I barely know, who insists I should hug them. ( this has happened more often than you would expect).
Those are the ones that stand out right now.

Anyway, I have come to be open to the idea. There are those pals I’ve known for a long time and now they’re like my brothers. Why shouldn’t I hug my brother?
Not that I’ll go all crazy and hug every Juma,  Njoroge and Otieno. Instead, I consider the hug to be somewhat special.  ( and I’m kind of sensitive about b.o so…).

In my hug-scapades, I realised that a hug ( as would a handshake ) says a lot about a person. Plus, I’m in search of the perfect hug (NOTE: this is not an invitation to treat nor is it an offer).
( p.s isn’t it irritating when someone insists on lingering on your hand in a handshake ? * shudder* )
*sigh* we grow up so fast …

But You Wouldn’t Understand


I wish I could tell you! I really wish I could, but of what use would it be if you don’t even comprehend it? 
You would brush it off as being ridiculous and wonder if my head was screwed on right. Maybe you would give me the benefit of doubt but it would still be difficult for you to conceive the idea.

What if I could tell you? What if you would hear what I would say and understand? Honestly, I don’t expect you to do so. But just in case there was just one person out there who could understand where I’m coming  from, what would I tell of?

I would tell of love.
I would tell of brown eyes that pierce my soul.
I would tell of a friendship that will last the test of time.
I would tell of tenderness that needs no interpretation.
I would tell of joyous reunions and tender silence.
I would tell of how proud I am of my baby.
I love the simplicity of our relationship. Therein lies it’s perfections.

She’s mine.

I would tell the story of her precious black button nose,
Maybe even of the times she makes me mad by waking me up in the middle of the night  because of a certain new oduor in the air (bleugh)
I might even fit in a little story of how she pulls a fast one on the turkeys every day, giving them the run of their lives… though she’s harmless!
I wouldn’t forget to mention the dance we have to do each Sunday just to get her clean. She’s a smart cookie, that one!

There! You see, if I could, I would but since I can’t, I won’t.   

Truly Living

We live in a complicated world. One that is always on the move. Everyone is going somewhere, doing something, being someone … How much weight we put behind that one! Day in, day out, we try to define ourselves.
Someone’s always saying something. We get caught up in all the noise and complexities of emotions. And when we are not? We look upon others with envy because they have ‘a life’. We all want to be where something is happening. Otherwise, we’re just wasting away.
We forget about the simple things. Somehow, we miss life. We won’t be on Earth forever. As we grow, we find that after day, there is night, then there’s night and then there’s day. We take it for granted, wasting away the days on trifle matters, not knowing that we were meant to live for so much more. No one knows when we will take our last breath nor what we’ll see the moment our hearts stop beating.
I’m mumbling, I know, but I’m hoping you hear what I’m saying.
The simple things; they are what change the world because they change people.
When there’s madness all around, just stop.
Take in a nice cool, crisp gasp of fresh air. Feel it’s cool trail down as fills it in your lungs.
Curl your toes in the coarse white beach sand.
Watch the raindrops as they hit the pavement and burst into a million pieces. Listen to it’s steady pounding on the roof and pavement and let it lull you to sweet slumber.
Wear your best dress to the supermarket ‘just because’.
Smell the newly blossomed flowers.
Smile genuinely to anyone who gives you service. From whomever bagged your groceries to your conductor.
But most importantly, at the end of the day, the walls we build around ourselves must come down.  Bare, vulnerable, holding nothing back, we should go to God. Giving Him all we’ve got. 
Surrendering our lives to Him. Because that is when true life will begin.

What is …attending a graduation?

1. A flurry of ‘inspiring’ speeches that are forgotten the moment the words resonate.
2. A list of 6000 names when you only came to hear one.
3. Being pushed as people try to get as close to the graduates as possible.
4. Giving up and ending up sitting on a leso on tarmac.
5. Dad donning a suit
6. Taking 2 cups of coffee because you’re sister is sitting in the rows in front and can’t come for hers.
7. Being really pressed because of drinking two cups of coffee but you can’t be paid enough to go to these loos.
8. Regretting wearing open shoes and staring hopelessly at your mud covered feet.
9. Women who tailored the exact same clothes walking in flocks
10. Lamenting when the sun begins to shine, burning your mud-covered feet.
11. Scores and scores of people but somehow your mum finds the spot where Kambas are.
12. Dad insisting on taking photos and you ignoring him.
13. Wondering if your decision to skip class is the best.
14. People selling goofy merchandise and discouraging Dad from buying anything ( settling on fresh flowers ).
15. Old ladies eating lollipops (hmmm…)
16. Whipping out my faulty umbrella and feeling Jack.
17. Texting my bored graduating sister.
18. Filling in the crossword with my mum and dad and coming out tops 😉
19. Listening to music and Dad giving back the earphones after 2 seconds of hip hop
20. Blogging to pass the time
21. Deciding not to go for your own graduation.   

** the views depicted in this post reflect the bored musings of intellectual and in no way reflect on those people who have travelled hundreds of kilometers not to see( they literally can’t see the graduation) their loved ones graduate and who bought plastic flowers, cliche cards and those shiny, colorful things people put around their necks.( help!)***