She hugged her knees to herself.
She rocked to and fro letting the tears trail down her visage.
She shivered in the darkness and hugged her knees closer, almost painfully. That is what she knew, what she had always known;the clean slice of pain.
Had she ever really been happy? What she had termed as happiness had caused her nothing more than emptiness. She had thought she would find fullfillment among friends, a successful career.. it wasn’t enough. She thought she would find it at the tip of a hypodermic needle, at the bottom of a tinted bottle, the last draw of a cigarrette. And indeed she thought she found it. But once she exhaled, it all disappearred, leaving her worse than she had been, a deer in the headlights.
As she thought about it, she felt the fear distinctly . The speeding heart, sweating palms, the vice that gripped her chest , making it all the more difficult to take the next breath. She would think “This is it! This is the end!” and she would crouch down in fear, her hands over her ears as the revving engine would draw closer, shutting her eyes and waiting for the fatal impact…but it never came.
Time and time again, she got down, knowing that she would die, but didn’t. Each time, her life flashed before her eyes. What had she been doing her whole life?!?! “Vanity!”, she thought. She had nothing. No one. Except herself. But what could she do with that? She was broken. Incomplete.
She had always been searching. She did not know what for. There had always seemed to be a gap in her life and something told her that if she just got that slot filled, she would be happy. Truly, truly happy.
“Love will do it,” she thought. ” If I could just find that one guy who understands me for me, I will be happy’.” She didn’t even realize that she, herself, didn’t like who she was, didn’t truly understand who she was, or ever could be. ” he would fix that.” And so the search began for the ‘Right Guy’. There was never a better day than the day they met. How the birds sung their sweet melody. How her heart soared. She was happy. Or was she?
He said she was beautiful. She said, “If you say so.” But then, he stopped saying it…time proved the ultimate challenge and it all ended with the words ‘I am not happy.’
The gap seemed to grow, almost engulfing her. Her job gave her no satisfaction. So she quit. Again and again. And again. She was restless!
What would do it? She did not know but she was going to make sure she did. There were no bounds to her great inquiry. From the highest valley to the deepest sea…
Then she got here. With nothing to show for her life but a tattered past, a heart broken so many times, it could not be termed as whole. But one thing remained costant…she was still searching. Her heart longed to belong.
She couldn’t go on like this. Feeling lost, confused.. it was just too much.
Her sobbing had ceased, but emotions raged within. Her face seemed cast in stone, her back, ram-rod straight against the cold damp wall of the alley. She could not search anymore. She was too tired.
“Find me,” that was the first clear thought in her mind. The words seemed to cause everything to come to a still. She felt it; that important moment when your life would change forever.
“Find me and make me yours.” Who was she talking to? Was she crazy? But something told her that whoever she was talking to, was listening.
A peace settled in her soul. “I can’t do this anymore. I surrender.” She had never used those words in her life but somehow, they seemed so right.
Joy erupted in her soul and she felt the prick of tears in her eyes. This time she wept at the great relief she felt. With every tear dispelled, she felt lighter. Free. She smiled through the tears. She finally belonged.