The Lost Generation

I can not tell you the number of online personality tests I have done online!!! At a point, it was almost a obssession. I went from the four temperaments to the more comprehensive Myers Briggs type indicator. From Keirsey.com to BBC’s The Big Personality Test… the list is endless.

 

Who amI ? That’s the question I was striving to answer. The question I still strive to answer everyday. This question plagues us all, some more than others.  

I thought that once I knew who I was, I would be able to plan my life accordingly. Be it in terms of career or the type of person I would be romantically inclined towards. Well, at first, it seemed like it did seem to make things clear and to some extent, I understood how I worked. But as time went by, I realised I didn’t fit perfectly into the mold I had been cased in. So test after test, I got very different answers to the point where I just gave up on them all together.

Right now, I might have lost half my  readership as they wonder whatever I may be talking about. But think about it. Think back to that  moment in time when you discovered a type of music that you could relate to. Be it reggae, hip hop, afro-fussion, classical, rock…whichever you fall in. Then you became “msee wa reggae”. There was a certain peace that came with that identity. You could say you belong somewhere. Suddenly, your speech pattern changed, your dressing reflected the kind of person you thought you were.

I will be honest and say that I can not understand myself and over the years, that has caused me quite a measure of frustration as I tried to answer the unanswered. We would go into a gathering and ‘barbies’ end up in one group, so-called ‘hustlers’ in another and little ol’ me without a clue to who I was. Later on I was classed in the ‘wierd’. Because I just wouldn’t fit in anywhere else. I loved it :). Still do.

We look for someone to tell us who we are. Even worse, we expect everyone else to fit into the impression of who we think they should be. That’s what trends do to us. Suddenly this look is hot and half the world looks the same in seconds!!  

People are killing their brain cells!!!! Creativity dies a little more everyday as we conform. Honestly, that’s just laziness. We are not robots made just to obey strict commands by a faulted inventor. We are human. We have independent brains, hearts…the ability to change the world anew each time the sun rises. Even more importantly, we were made to obey an unflawed God.

It happens that this ‘identity’ seems to be all we ever need. We build our lives around it and settle down. Our jobs, our friends, hobbies, baseless beliefs…and they carry us through the drama of life. But this foundation is not enough to carry us for long. With time, the cracks form and life falls apart. All because we did not correctly answer that one question accurately.

“Who am I?”

“What is important to me?”

“What do I live for?”

These questions have already been answered. It’s just that we, in our foolish wisdom deny them. We reject what is best for us for what we want. The result of this is evident in the unrest of a millionaire who has everything he thought he could ever want but still feels like something is missing. It is evident in every person who has stood on a ledge and said he /she had no reason to live.

This thing about leaning on our own understanding has backfired in our faces ever since Eve’s era.In short, it has never worked.

But there is a Way, a Truth and a Light. All you have to do is ask. It’s that simple.

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The Raging War

Laughter tinkled in the air. The drone of mindless conversation filled the room. I smiled, though my skin felt tout across my face. Polite society does that, you know. I don’t even know who I was talking to. Did it matter? She was important so I had to laugh at just the right places, nod as if I understood what she was saying.

It’s getting harder to breathe. Or is that just me. Glancing around, everyone seems to be dandy. I inhaled sharply , telling myself it’s just my imagination. She was still talking, what’s-her-face. I couldn’t hear what she is saying. But I laughed.

It’s too warm . What’s-her-face had that look of disapproval on her face, obviously guessing I was paying her no mind at all. She looked like she had just bitten into a lemon, in her attempt to look prim and proper.

I made my way slowly to the glass doors, hoping not to draw attention to my person though my feet begged to go faster. I slid the doors shut against the noise and it seemed that peace finally prevails within me. But only for a moment.l

The silence bore down on me and thoughts I had long put aside assailed my mind. I tried to silence them but they grew louder. My heart burned in my chest and I know I couldn’t stay where I was. I had to run.

I barely knew what I was doing until I felt, the cool green grass  between my toes and set the shoes on the ledge of the verandah. I doubted anyone would miss me.

I hate running. I decided to walk. The night air was crisp against my bare arms but it was refreshing. The only sounds I could hear where the sounds of my breath and that of my heart beating. My heartfelt like dead weight. I didn’t want to give in to its pestering emotions.

So I ran. Slowly at first, but each measured step felt so much better than the one before that I took another, and another. I ran faster and faster as my body began to ache in the measure of my heart. How I can I explain the bitter-sweet feeling that comes with that?

My lungs hurt, my legs throbbed, my breath was raspy but I couldn’t stop! Sweat trickled down my face but I dared not swipe it away. I felt the tears rolling down my face. I ran faster.

My legs grew numb and my body weak but I still pushed on. Some where along the way, cool grass had changed to hard tarmac. I don’t know what happened, but I found myself on the ground. Face down, my body screaming with exertion. I didn’t feel the pain of the impact but I figured I would the next morning.

For more than a moment, I lay there, inhaling the smell of the asphalt. A cry was let out into the night. I didn’t recognize it as my own. It was guttural. Raw. Pain.

I turned and lay on my back. I looked to the sky waiting for something to happen. Maybe I wold be struck by lightning. Or a truck travelling at high speed would pass by, and end my misery. Maybe the tree overhead would just fall on me.

I was at the end. So I waited. I couldn’t understand the peace I felt. I didn’t want to live anymore. I didn’t want to take another step.

I felt the first cool drop on my face. I shut my eyes as the rain fell in sheets, the dull pelting of it on my skin somewhat therapeutic. I hated to think of it but deep within I knew.

Somehow, the pain would fade. The sun would rise. Life would continue. And maybe, just maybe, I would heal.

Boundless Love

 

Let the sun rise from the west,

Let the ground beneath my feet quake with unrest,

Still, I know that You are with me.

Though the world turns against me,

Though I seem like a fool, as long as You are beside me,

I will stand.

When sorrows and sadness cloud the sun,

When life seemed to have dealt me a bad hand,

Your praise shall proceed from my lips.

Hope may seem bleak, a better day, nothing but a fantasy,

It may seem like the end of the road,

But still You lead me on.

When my flesh tells me I cannot resist,

And my mind says You do not exist,

You refresh my being, a stronger faith is born.

Why should I doubt?

How dare I doubt?

What love is this I seek from the world that was not given to me in perfect measure?

My mortality can never comprehend this awesome LOVE,

So perfect, So complete, nothing could ever take me away from it…

Yet I struggle against it, pulling from it, my wisdom, that of a fool!

Forgive me, Lord!

For the stiffness in my knees that causes me not to kneel,  

For the pride in my soul that causes me not to bow,

For the selfishness in my being that causes me not to love,

For my arrogance that makes me think that I am number #1.

The nails went through Your palms…for my sake,

The flesh they tore from Your back…for my sake,

 The thorns that pierced Your brow…for my sake,

The cross You bore on Your back…for my sake,

The mockery they threw to your face…for my sake.

You gave your life so I could be forgiven, as I am,

So, I give me life to You,

That I may know this awesome Love,

That I may know You,

Who loves me with a Love Unbound…

Her Great Inquiry

She hugged her knees to herself.

She rocked to and fro letting the tears trail down her visage.

 She shivered in the darkness and hugged her knees closer, almost painfully. That is what she knew, what she had always known;the clean slice of pain.

Had she ever really been happy? What she had termed as happiness had caused her nothing more than emptiness. She had thought she would find fullfillment among friends, a successful career.. it wasn’t enough. She thought she would find it at the tip of a hypodermic needle, at the bottom of a tinted bottle, the last draw of a cigarrette. And indeed she thought she found it. But once she exhaled, it all disappearred, leaving her worse than she had been, a deer in the headlights.

As she thought about it, she  felt the fear distinctly . The speeding heart, sweating palms, the vice that gripped her chest , making it all the more difficult to take the next breath. She would think “This is it! This is the end!” and she would crouch down in fear, her hands over her ears as the revving engine would draw closer, shutting her eyes and waiting for the fatal impact…but it never came.

Time and time again, she got down, knowing that she would die, but didn’t. Each time, her life flashed before her eyes. What had she been doing her whole life?!?! “Vanity!”, she thought. She had nothing. No one. Except herself. But what could she do with that? She was broken. Incomplete.

She had always been searching. She did not know what for. There had always seemed to be a gap in her life and something told her that if she just got that slot filled, she would be happy. Truly, truly happy.

“Love will do it,” she thought. ” If I could just find that one guy who understands me for me, I will be happy’.” She didn’t even realize that she, herself, didn’t like who she was, didn’t truly understand who she was, or ever could be. ” he would fix that.” And so the search began for the ‘Right Guy’.  There was never a better day than the day they met. How the birds sung their sweet melody. How her heart soared.  She was happy. Or was she?

He said she was beautiful.  She said, “If you say so.” But then, he stopped saying it…time proved the ultimate challenge and it all ended with the words ‘I am not happy.’

The gap seemed to grow, almost engulfing her. Her job gave her no satisfaction. So she quit. Again and again. And again. She was restless!

What would do it? She did not know but she was going to make sure she did. There were no bounds to her great inquiry. From the highest valley to the deepest sea…

Then she got here. With nothing to show for her life but a tattered past, a heart broken so many times, it could not be termed as whole. But one thing remained costant…she was still searching. Her heart longed to belong.

She couldn’t go on like this. Feeling lost, confused.. it was just too much.

Her sobbing had ceased, but emotions raged within. Her face seemed cast in stone, her back, ram-rod straight against the cold damp wall of the alley. She could not search anymore. She was too tired.

“Find me,” that was the first clear thought in her mind. The words seemed to cause everything to come to a still. She felt it; that important moment when your life would change forever.

“Find me and make me yours.” Who was she talking to? Was she crazy? But something told her that whoever she was talking to, was listening.

A peace settled in her soul. “I can’t do this anymore. I surrender.” She had never used those words in her life but somehow, they seemed so right.

Joy erupted in her soul and she felt the prick of tears in her eyes. This time she wept at the great relief she felt. With every tear dispelled, she felt lighter. Free. She smiled through the tears. She finally belonged.

Turmoil

“Monday Blues,  

Tuesday mellows into Wednesday , proves

 to be the green of the meadows, then Thursday looms

to bring hope to the fellows for Friday soothes 

to the promise of tomorrow but Saturday rules ,

no more brow that is furrowed and in walks Sunday,

with it peace that can’t be borrowed but with it a dread that Tomorrow is Monday”

just something I thought up as I was in the shower

I am an emotional mess right now so anything I write should be considered to be ramblings.

More often than not, someone passes by the office with one sickness or the other, asking for some assistance in terms of cash. Quite heart-wrenching, I assure you.

To see a man who , at first sight doesn’t seem so old at first sight, shuffling through the door, barely able to carry his own weight as he battles against AIDS or as in today’s case, leprosy, is enough cause for me to stop. He speaks softly, having been humbled and brought down to his knees by life. Maybe in your case or mine, pride would never allow us to do anything of that nature. Be it in the simple borrowing of funds you can easily repay or that ka-ten bob because the rest of your cash is of larger denominations.

But  he has learnt that pride is a luxury he can never afford. All he knows is that, he is in no position to earn a living. He needs his medication. His wife is home taking care of a sick child, the other two kids in school, earning an education he can’t afford. In the evening, they eat what they can and go to bed wondering what kind of day tomorrow will be, thanking God for today, not believing that something went down their gullet, though their stomachs growl in protest. Everyday the battle to stay alive wages on.

I can curl myself in a plush couch and sob saying “Life is so unfair!” but what good will that do?

Call me naive, but I ensure that that person at least leaves the office with something in hand. They might be pretending,true. They might be plain lazy…but tell me this, can you look them straight in the eye, see the anguish that lies within them and say “I can not give you anything?”

If you can, I don’t know what planet you are from. In their eyes, I have seen a tale of rejection, pain, bitterness. Such that they don’t even expect anything good to happen to them. Let me be that something good that happens to them, that they may have reason to take one more step. That they may have hope that Someone is truly watching over them.